rollercoaster

(ugh, the thought of being on one of those makes my stomach churn).

Anyways, the past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I'm a bit of a wreck, to be honest.

Of course i'm excited, but i'm also terribly anxious. Not really anxious about having a baby or being a mom, just anxious about getting through the next 8 months (with how i've been feeling, sigh) and also about telling people our news. And anxious about finding a job for January so i actually have some mat leave once i'm off.

I spend most mornings feeling very very anxious and worked up for about the first one to two hours of the day....i'm not sleeping well, can't sleep through tony's alarm anymore, i'm wide awake at 6 am....and then i just lay there, and then my mind starts whirling and my tummy starts churning.

So far i have not puked, or been very close to that at all...but physically, i do feel pretty uncomfortable most of the time. I can only eat a bit at a time, the rest of the time i feel very full, and burpy and there's quite a bit of heartburn involved (yay for tums!!!). And when and where these feelings will appear is completely random, i'll be feeling fine, ravenously hungry, and terribly uncomfortable all within 5 mins. Eating small amounts all the time seems to help, but my appetite is near 0....very few things are appealing to eat. So i'm sticking to bland things like buttered bagels, toast, fruit n vegs. I need to get a prenatal vitamin asap, i can see how i am probably not getting all the nutrients this kid needs (i have been taking folic acid regularly for over 6 mos now, so i'm good on that one, which some say is the most important at this stage anyways).

Emotionally, it's crazy. I have periods of peace interspersed with the aforementioned anxiety. I know i need to Trust, and i'm trying. The Psalms have been especially comforting to me, especially the end of Ps 40, where it says the Lord has me on His mind right now. And i know that this is His timing, we have been praying to that end since before the birth control days. It will just take a bit to adjust to all this, i figure.

I think it will be easier/better when a few more people know (not the whole world). Right now there are only 3 people that know, we will be telling our families and close friends over the next few weeks, then come Christmastime, if all is still well, the whole world can know, and you'll all be reading this 2 months after the fact :)

On a side note, glad i don't have to rely on birth control right now, as my brand is facing a dire shortage in Canada right now.....glad i don't have to worry about that!